When your partner cheats, your world is turned upside down. But infidelity doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship. These tips will help you reconnect with your partner after this difficult time.
There is almost nothing more intense in a relationship than finding out that your partner is cheating.
Your trust is broken, your heart is broken and your world is turned upside down. Although most women initially scream out loud that they never want to see their partner again, it is often a bit more complicated.
Because of your house, the children, and everything else you have built as a couple, if you don’t want to throw away your future together, you’ll have to forgive infidelity. But how do you recover from your heartbreak, restore trust, and reconnect?
Positive Thoughts
Are you unable to forgive your partner? You do not forgive someone else, but for yourself. Try not to focus on the negative consequences of infidelity, but shift your focus to the good times you shared in the past. Only when you are able to do this can you restore the intimate connection.
Communication is essential at this stage. By talking to each other you know what is going on in each other’s heads.
Read: 10+ Critical Thinking Skills You Need to Develop
Reconnect
To reconnect with your partner, The Gottman Method is a popular, research-based form of couples therapy. John Gottman, psychologist and author of the book “What Makes Love Last”, states that the process of reconnecting with your partner after infidelity consists of three main steps; reconciliation, agreement, and attachment.
In the first instance, it is important that the adulterer expresses remorse and takes full responsibility. “Reconciliation cannot take place if the impostor maintains that the victim shares the blame for the case,” said John Gottman.
Needs
It is also important that the cause of the infidelity is identified. In most cases, someone cheats when he lacks something. Whether this is love, attention, understanding, or sex, the person in question has been looking for “filling”.
By definition, cheaters are not looking for someone else, but for a different identity. Someone may cheat because they feel like a different person in the company of another. Thus, they can feel smarter, sexier, more charming, and more alive with their mistress.
In their partner’s home, they may feel invisible, undervalued, dull, or old. This obviously does not justify his or her actions, but it does provide insight into his or her needs.
While most couples continue to walk around with anger, fear, and sadness, the point is to get to the root of the problem. Where did it go wrong? What led to this decision? How can it be prevented? What do you expect from each other? And especially; what do you need from each other to get your relationship back on track and to prevent temptation from happening again?
The events and context that led to an affair are no excuse, but they do provide clarity as to why it happened. Discuss your wants and needs so that both of you have the opportunity to respond to them.
Make sure you read: 7+ Sweet Ways to Save a Relationship
Trust
To achieve agreement, you must learn to trust and appreciate each other – again. Harville Hendrix, relationship psychologist and the creator of the Imago Relationship Therapy method, swears by a special exercise to regain each other’s trust.
The intention is that both partners come up with twenty small love actions for each other to perform. From breakfast in bed to a bunch of flowers and a love note; exchange wish lists and try to check off one action per day. Because you fulfill each other’s wishes, you will appreciate each other more and because you keep to the agreement, trust will slowly but surely return to reconnect with your partner.
The future
Once you have reached reconciliation, agreement, and attachment, it is time to shape – or re-shape – your future. For this, you can apply Gottman’s The Sound Relationship House theory.
According to this theory, there are seven levels of relationship. The top two layers consist of “making life dreams” and “creating shared meaning”.
During this period, you can determine which goals you want to pursue together. Whether this concerns a wish to have children, a world trip, a dream home, or your own company; go for this together!
This is the ultimate way to go through life as a couple again. Working together towards a goal will make your relationship stronger than ever.
It may take a lot of time, energy, and emotions to reach this place, but if you do this together, the chance of association is very high. Can’t solve this together? A relationship therapist can guide you through the process.
Also read: 8+ Secrets About Behaviors That Ruin Your Relationship Subconsciously
