Your boyfriend or husband has recently become very close to another woman. He gives her more attention than you would like and you don’t know what to do.
That’s why in this article I’ll give you the signs of emotional cheating and how you want to deal with it.
What is emotional cheating?
Emotional cheating is a tricky situation because it’s close to friendship.
But there is one important difference.
With emotional cheating, you build a connection so intimate that the contact is almost the same as in a full-fledged relationship, therefore accompanied by sexual tension and/or romantic interest.
And unlike a healthy friendship, this relationship has often a secret.
So the contact already feels a bit ‘wrong’.
Before I tell you whether this counts as cheating, let me give you some concrete signs of emotional cheating.
Please note: one signal is not enough to prove the cheating. It’s about the overall picture.
Here are the signs of emotional cheating:
- He shares things with her that he doesn’t share with you
- He keeps the contact secret
- He knows she’s attracted to him
- They flirt with each other
- He is visibly less attracted to you
- He shares the frustrations about your relationship with her
- He’s obviously more cold to you after he talks to her
- He secretly wants you to be more like her
- He shares less about himself with you
- He buys thoughtful presents for her
- He hints at sex in his communication
Is it friendship or emotional cheating?
The two are sometimes difficult to distinguish.
In addition, it benefits your relationship if your partner has other friends besides you. If you are the only one he can lean on in difficult times, that is a heavy burden for you.
Friendship is a very beautiful thing.
But it can also sometimes go too far and lead to emotional deception.
How do you know the difference?
When the contact becomes more than just friendship.
The moment sexual attraction plays a role, your partner enters the danger zone.
As a result, emotional cheating usually has a sexual edge.
Do you think he has feelings for someone else? Then you want to start the conversation with him.
Go into it, don’t accuse him of anything, and be curious.
Finally, stick to your own feelings. So don’t accuse him of anything you don’t have concrete evidence of.
Here’s an example of how you might address (potential) emotional cheating:
“I notice that I see some things that don’t make me feel good. I saw X, and then I feel Y. How do you see this?”
Or…
“I see you share a lot of things with her. It’s great that you have such a good relationship! But some things don’t make me feel good.
And…
“Lately I’ve been feeling a bit more insecure about the bond you build with her. That’s because you seem to share more with her than with me. How do you see this?”
What makes all this so good?
You don’t blame him.
In fact, you show genuine interest in his bond with her. Which shows that you sincerely wish him the best.
But… that there are things you want to discuss that don’t sit well with you. Not because he’s “wrong,” but because you want partners to be able to talk about anything.
Read: √ 9 Nice Steps to Regulate your Emotions
This way he won’t feel attacked and it’s much more likely that he understands you.
Note: Since this whole situation touches you very deeply, you probably tend to interrupt him immediately if he says something suspicious. Please don’t. If you don’t let him finish, he won’t feel heard and he’s likely to snap or get angry.
It is quite conceivable that your partner does not fully understand what his contact with this woman does to you. Therefore, it may be good to ask the following two questions:
- Would you feel comfortable having the same conversations with her as I was there?
- Would you feel hurt if I had a similar relationship with another man?
With these two questions, you are actually forcing him to look at this situation from your perspective.
That way, he’ll understand you much better than if you’re just trying to explain your feelings.
It is also good to discuss your vision about a friendship between man and woman.
Why do men cheat emotionally?
The reason men cheat emotionally is of course as different as the two socks I wear (am I the only one?).
But then a little more complex.
So let me be honest: I can’t say for sure why he’s cheating emotionally.
That’s why I can’t make all your worries about your relationship disappear with a snap of my fingers.
What can I do for you then?
Giving you a glimpse into the brain of the average man.
For example, a man will sometimes deliberately emotionally cheat on another. But it’s more likely that his contact with that other woman is part of a gradual process resulting from a deeper unfulfilled desire.
“But Mathijs, why doesn’t he come to me with these problems?”
That’s not easy to answer either.
Although it often comes down to the following:
- A lack of communication. You don’t know about each other what you really think about the relationship, each other, and yourself. So your relationship has secrets.
- You are in an unhealthy relationship. Emotional cheating is just one of many things that don’t sit right.
- He loves you but still makes morally wrong choices. There can be all kinds of reasons for this.
- She’s giving him something he can’t or thinks he can’t get from you.
- It’s an escape. He may even be secretly leaving. Going for someone else can make it extra easy for him.
- He tried to get closer, but you acted condescending, judgmental, or unavailable.
- He is afraid to scare you away with his neediness.
- He finds it difficult to depend on you.
- He is angry or frustrated with you.
- He doesn’t see this as cheating.
- He likes to divide his attention among more people. He likes contact with a large number of different people.
- He’s less attracted to you.
Regardless of the exact cause of his emotional cheating, they all have something in common: you can figure it all out and fix it with good communication.
That is why I advise you: start the conversation.
Deadly, of course. Still, it’s the ONLY way to find out what’s really going on.
How to deal with a man who is emotionally cheating?
You want to throw his clothes out the window and change your Facebook status to single.
Completely understandable.
But please don’t do this.
If he hasn’t “really” cheated on that other woman yet, you still have a chance to save your relationship.
”How then Mathijs? This is still cheating as far as I’m concerned. How can I trust him now?”
That’s right, he did have some sort of cheating. And that is an act that I absolutely do not justify.
But… a story always has two sides.
So the least you can do is hear his part of the story.
This is far from easy, but it is the right step if you care about him and your relationship.
1. Listen
You are probably full of emotions, judgments, and questions. It is still important that you let him finish and that you try to listen to him without judgment.
This is the only way to have a fruitful conversation. And if you listen carefully, the answer may already be in what he says.
2. Don’t take revenge
Although it seems wonderful and fair to drive his car into the ditch, it will not do you any good and you will only make the situation worse.
Instead, try to express your frustration/anger in words. You should let him know how you feel about his cheating.
Setting your standards is crucial for the relationship and your self-esteem.
Do you notice that the conversations turn into a big fight?
Then keep yourself calm. If that doesn’t work, tell him you’re not ready to have a constructive conversation right now and take a walk. Only when both of you’s emotions are in check can you have a constructive conversation about the future of your relationship.
What would you like to discuss during this conversation?
3. Clear rules about friendships and relationships with others
That way you know exactly where each other’s boundaries lie.
Is he crossing your boundaries again? Then you can easily raise this thanks to this conversation.
Does he pretend his nose is bleeding? Then you know what to do!
Where’s that car key? Just kidding.
Jokes aside, if in the future he will flatten your limits with a steamroller, you’ll want to think carefully about whether you want to continue with this relationship.
After all, the most important thing is that you stay true to yourself and your own feelings.
Also read: 7+ Sweet Ways to Save a Relationship
